Just a vent and some news

So news first.

I got a hold of my doctor to go over my test results in detail. Turns out the nurse practitioner was a big fat liar. The tests on my placenta came back as normal: no infections, no abnormalities. The postpartum/genetic/problem screening came back mostly normal but with clotting issues. So I'm being referred to a perinatologist, or high-risk OB, who will recommend baby aspirin until another pregnancy and then may recommend continuing that regimen or daily lovenox injections. Good thing I'm a nurse, eh? Not that we are trying for a baby, because the one we want desperately is in heaven, but we do want a healthy baby who cries and is nice and pink and chunky. So we are leaving it in God's hands, like we did with Matthew.

So now for the vents.

Vent #1: Not getting my photos.
It's been 2.5 months since we had Matthew. The day we had him, we had a photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" come and take professional photos of him and us. I found the paperwork and my husband's writing is so shaky (who can blame that?) that I wouldn't know what our address was. So we still haven't received the photos that were supposed to only take 2-4 weeks. I've tried calling and emailing the photographer and can't get a hold of anyone. So I turned to the corporate office and we will see what they can do. Normally, I would not be so frustrated since this was a free service but when you don't have many photos of your son and you can't recreate anything, it's imperative that you have the few moments memorialized.

Vent #2: Stupid comments.
I started a bible study last week. You would think that the women would be caring and supportive, especially the ones involved in the "care ministry" where they go to hospitals and homes and support those who are ill. Yeah. Right. I word vomited all over the place about losing three pregnancies in 2 years and one was stillborn and it's terrible and I am angry with God and not grateful for His goodness and I actually do wake up sometimes with terrible anguish (read on for more about that one) and my question was "am I a 'fool' for this?" Open mouth. Insert foot. Then comes the comments
"All things in God's time"
"God is a good, loving God"
"Just adopt! My friend adopted after multiple losses and then had a miracle baby"
"God's plan"
"You're young, you can have another"
blah blah blah. I stopped listening and started shutting down. My responses would be
"If it wasn't God's time, why did I get pregnant?"
"How is He good to me in this??"
"WHY???!!!! Do you know how much money is involved that I don't have and how low the chances are?"
"How is God's plan for my innocent son to die? What's wrong with you?"
"I've had THREE losses! That might be borderline okay to say after one loss, but I'm seeing a trend in my fertility. And you aren't a fortune teller. And I don't want another one because I want HIM"
Okay now that I got that out of the way, on to the next one.

Vent #3: Dreams.
I've been having vivid dreams. Dreams where I get to hold him and he's crying and breathing and MINE but he still dies. Dreams where I go through the whole thing all over again but instead of being perfect he's horribly disfigured. We are talking about arms coming out of the top of his head or an upside down face or eyes on the sides of his head. But the ones where he is alive and seemingly healthy but still dies in my arms fill my heart with an anguish so deep that I can't cry. There's no release. And then I hold on to that dream and obsess over it with the what-ifs. What if he was born crying and I got to hold him as he took his last breath? What if this reality was all a dream and I'm just taking one big sleep? Nope, not going there.

Vent #4: Hallucinations.
No, I'm not crazy. Apparently this is completely normal stuff for bereaved parents. For example, I was driving along one day and looked over my shoulder because I thought I saw something in my backseat through the rear view mirror. I thought I saw a chunky little baby that looks like how I thought Matthew would turn out. Same face but dark curly hair and blue eyes. I've also been experiencing phantom baby kicks. Again, totally normal. Even my best friend who had two healthy babies and no losses, feels baby kicks time to time. No, she's not pregnant. But this is nature's cruel joke. To feel the same kicks in the same spots as where Matthew kicked me all the way up to my labor. Not fair. Cruel.

So I don't feel better but I hope that I got some educational points out there. If not, here goes:
1. Don't say anything stupid. Just say "I'm so sorry" and hug me.
2. If I do get pregnant, I'm not replacing Matthew and I will resent and cut anyone who says otherwise.
3. If you wouldn't say it to someone who lost an adult child, elementary school aged child, or any other child, don't say it to me.
4. Even if I'm not crying, it doesn't mean I'm not deeply sad at that moment, so hug me.
5. If you see me rubbing my belly, know that I am feeling something that I wish was still really happening, then hug me.
6. Just hug me. I like hugs. You don't have to say anything about him either when you do so. You can just hug me hello and hug me goodbye. I like it. It makes me feel cared for.