Church during grief

We've been going to church, even though it's painful to go. We sing songs about how much God loves us, we praise him for making all things good, we smile and shake hands with other people. The whole time we either stand in silence wondering how God could love us. Seriously. I have dark, bitter, angry thoughts. Sometimes I even wish that everyone had to experience a sliver of this pain. How could God love someone who looks at other pregnant women and wants to shake them and wants to scream at them to not take their baby and pregnancy for granted? How could God love that? How could the death of Matthew be "good"? How can God possibly make good come out of this intense heartache? Sometimes I question God. I question His goodness. I question His mercy. I question His love. Most of all, I question my faith. Do I trust God? I don't know. I don't even know how to pray anymore. I know that I will continue to go to church. At least it's a place where I can cry freely. Like today, I cried straight through worship. I will keep going to find my trust in God again. Without that, I will never see my son again.

What does help make me want to keep going to church is that so many people know about us. They may not know who we are or what we look like, but they know that there is a young couple who gave birth to their still born baby. The details may be a little fuzzy for most (we didn't go to the hospital expecting to give birth) but people there are praying for us.

I am having some good days. I still cry nearly every day but it's not always the violent type of crying.

Prayer requests for this week:
1. That God will show me how much He loves us just once
2. That I receive a "sign" from Matthew - I know he can't send signs but someway that reminds me that he is living
3. That I have at least one good day.