I did a google search of "why do churches fail those who are grieving" and instead of reasons why or blog posts written by those who feel the same way as I do, I just got article after article of how the church can support those who grieve. So I made the title of this post the same as my google search so if you find this, know that you aren't alone.
I "celebrated" my son's very short life at a memorial service/funeral on July 19. I went to church once after that and felt so out of place. I haven't been back since. I ended up dropping out of the bible study because of painful comments that were made and I stopped going to church shortly after because I had panic attacks wondering if I would have to hear similar comments and empty platitudes. And you know what? Not one person noticed. I have been going to that church for my entire life minus 5 years and I spent that entire time invisible. No one reached out. I don't blame anyone in particular and I don't expect everyone else's life to come to a screeching halt. I just thought maybe someone would see me and see my pain.
So I'm writing this not to shame my church or the church or whatever, but I'm hoping that other's know they aren't alone. I'm hoping that someone reads this and looks for those who are missing from their seats.
The death of a baby is one that society as a whole does not know how to handle. People are willing to lend support to those who lose an older child, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, because there are memories that are held by others too while the loss of a baby is felt more by the parents than anyone else. The death is already so isolating and stressful on a marriage that they need outsiders to come alongside and notice weeks and months down the line.
What I need is someone to sit with me at church. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone who is fully there to support me as I wrestle with my loss of faith, my anger at God, my questions, and my lack of answers. Because I did lose my faith. I know in with my head that God is love, Jesus is the son of God and son of man, Jesus died for my sins and rose again on the third day. But my heart? Nope. It can't believe any of that.
It's a shame that I won't have that person, but I hope that YOU do. I hope that someone reads this and comes alongside you and holds your hand. I hope that you receive the support you need weeks and months and years later. I hope that you are remembered in the busyness of the holiday season and you get that call/text. I hope you have that support system and that no one has grown weary of your tears.
Thanks for sharing this post. I agree 100%. I'm a Catholic, and I had to do an online Bible Study for grieving mothers, because my church doesn't offer anything. After we buried our daughter, noone reached out to 'check in' and see how we were doing. I suggested, last year, perhaps a bit late, some sort of acknowledgement of Oct 15th - it was met with no response. Its so frustrating b/c I need my priest or other religious to explain to me why this happens! I need to know if God is willingly taking my children away, or if their deaths are out of His control or if perhaps He chooses not to intervene. I know these are tough questions - but as grieving mothers, we need answers and we need some peace!
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