Where is God?

Forgive me as my thoughts and emotions are just needing to be tumbled out all over this post, so it will seem scattered but that's because I am scattered.

I've been having a tough time reconciling my faith to the unfairness of life. Where is God in the death of Matthew? Why does God let innocent babies die as their mother pleads for their life for her own? Why does God allow a 9-year-old girl to battle brain cancer for a third time? Where is He??

I used to have faith that could move mountains. After both of my first trimester miscarriages I felt close to Him. I knew He was there. I felt His arms around me, encouraging me. Now? Now I look forward to death every day, not because I want to be in heaven to be with Him, but because I want to hold my son. I don't know if I still have faith. I go through the motions but I don't feel Him. I don't see Him.

I know I'm battling major demons. I know that people just want to fix me. I know that therapy can help me. I know all that. I don't need to be told again. I know that I'm different and sad and mopey and I cry a lot and talk about how angry and bitter my heart is. I know that I get shut down quickly. Please don't do that to me anymore. The worst thing I can do is pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I need to feel each emotion, I tried hiding it and pretending and it made me feel more disconnected from those around me.

I just ask that you pray for me. Pray that God reveals Himself to this aching, broken shell of a woman. Pray that God shows me where He is for the suffering and scared and where He was when I plead for a miracle for my miracle baby. That's what Matthew was. He was my miracle. My happy spot. My light. My future. When he died, so did my happiness and my future.