A year later

It's been over a year since we said hello and goodbye to our first born son. I've learned that the pain doesn't go away but it's not as potent anymore. I still miss him every day. I still talk to him every day. He's always on my mind and his name is always a whisper on my lips but I don't feel the sting of loss. There's some things that have made the loss more potent. The sudden passing of my mother in law brought up a lot of ugly emotions. I found myself angry that she was getting to hold him in heaven first. I found myself angry that she dared to pass away. I almost felt like she did it on purpose. It was incredibly irrational and it took a lot of introspect and being honest with myself and open to my husband and my family to acknowledge that those feelings were irrational, even if they were normal. It's been a month since she passed away and I still feel little stings of anger that she has eternity so much earlier than I do but now I know that I'm not crazy and that it's just grief talking. I've also found myself feeling guilty as I carry his little sibling in my womb. We prayed for this child and we tried hard for this child. But I feel guilty because I'm under so much observation with my doctor, I switched to a high risk OB, and I have an MFM for this pregnancy. I have had medical interventions that I credit for making it as far as I have in this pregnancy, interventions that could have saved Matthew if my doctor had taken my concerns seriously. And I'm on bed rest to keep preterm labor at bay. I pray every day that this pregnancy continues but I can't help the guilt. Every day that I'm on bed rest, every week that I get progesterone shots, I'm reminded that my little boy wasn't even given the chance.