Emotions

I am a new fan of Willow Tree Figurines. The artist keeps the faces blank so that they are open to interpretation. So what do you see in this dad's face? Do you see wonderment? Joy? Relief? Love? Or do you see sadness? Despair? Grief? Confusion? I see a man bent over the body of his son, tears streaming down his face, and a cracking voice saying "why God?" This was how my husband held Matthew the day after he was born. I know that someday, we will look at this figurine and the dad will have a face that radiates happiness and love, but for now we see sadness. Pure sadness.

I bought this figurine for my husband for our 4th wedding anniversary. With shame I admit that the day snuck up on me and so I was out doing last minute shopping (I realized it was our anniversary around 3pm that day). I went to Target and wandered the aisles aimlessly and then after wasting an hour I left and saw a hallmark store. I figured I could at least buy him a card so I went in there and wandering around I saw this figurine. I started to cry. In the store. And not just any cry but gut-wrenching sobs. So I bought it and gave it to him for our anniversary. Now it sits on our mantle where we have his heart, his bedtime storybook, and him.

So leave a comment, let me know what you see in the dad. I would love to hear from you.

I don't know

Every breath I take I am reliving that day. I just remember sitting and staring at him, mesmerized by how beautiful and perfect he was, and thinking that he'll cry any second. Even before his umbilical cord was cut by the doctor and he announced that there was no heart beat in the cord, I thought that I was going to witness a miracle. I thought that surely God couldn't - wouldn't - allow something so cruel to happen to us after all we've been through. I try to move through it, but I can't push away the memories. They come to me when I least expect it. The memories rear their gorgeous yet deadly selves when I am sleeping, when I'm awake, when I'm breathing. What I've lived through has caused so many problems inside of me. I'm anxious in crowds. I feel isolated from my friends and family. I feel angry at God. I don't sleep and I don't eat. I can't focus on anything for more than 10 minutes. I have no desire to clean or do anything for myself. I have just enough energy to breathe. Crying is even too hard. Life isn't even close to fair. If it was then I wouldn't have had to go through morning sickness, cravings, and emotional mood swings three times, labor twice, and an actual birth once and still have arms that ache for the weight of a baby and ears that strain to hear a cry and breasts that still leak. I don't know if I grieve the loss of Matthew or the loss of myself more sometimes. It's hard to grieve someone you love so much and also grieve the death of who you were while searching for who you are now.

I don't know. I don't know what I feel or need. I'm lost.

New Beginnings

This weekend has been ridiculous. Filled with fun, filled with business, filled with sadness, filled with excitement, just filled. So forgive me as this will not be as in depth as I would like.

On Friday, I got a very special delivery. When we first came home from the hospital, I put in a request with a heart to hold, a non-profit group that sends a special weighted heart to those who grieve a loss from conception to a specific weight (about 6 months of life I think). You get to request specific fabric. I asked for either giraffe, as we were going to do his nursery in giraffe/safari stuff, or stars since our last name means "star" and I also sang "Twinkle, Twinkle" to him when we were in the hospital. When I got the package, I was overcome. It was perfect.

On Saturday, I was having a really tough time. It had been just 5 weeks since we said hello and goodbye to our son and I thought that everyone had started to forget about him. No one spoke to me about him anymore. I craved his name like a drug addict craves their next fix. It broke my heart thinking that he's been forgotten so quickly. So while sobbing I put out a plea on Facebook to tell me when people think about him. I quickly got flooded with messages from people who love him still. Some surprised me and all brought tears to my eyes.

On Sunday, my sister and I threw a wonderful bridal shower for our other sister. We are going to be the two bridesmaids so we are super excited! I brought Matthew and our oldest "son", Thor.

Both were buckled in and safe. I felt a little silly bringing a teddy bear urn with Matthew's ashes inside, but I figured that he would have been there if I hadn't gone into labor so early, and Thor always comes to family events. Other than feeling like I had to explain myself and snatch him from careless handlers, it was a fun day filled with games and laughter. The theme of the shower was "adventure" because my sister is embarking on a new adventure filled with partnership, tears, fights, laughter, struggles, and happiness. Part way through the party, my husband stopped by to pick up Thor. When he came back, this happened: 

Yes, we got a second dog. He's an 8-month chihuahua mix, we are thinking that the mix is Beagle. We must like chihuahua mixes since Thor is a chihuahua/dachshund mix. We have discussed getting another dog for almost a year, then when we got pregnant we decided to put it off since I didn't want to train a dog and take care of a baby. After Matthew passed away, we discussed it some more and decided that we have the love to give to another dog, and we know another dog will help facilitate the healing process. After a day of back and forth, we named him Neptune after the god of the seas.

So we are embarking on a new beginning of our own.

Confession Time

Dearest Matthew,

I have a confession to make. I've lied. I didn't know what to say at the time, and so I lied. The other day, I was talking about Christmas and working as a nurse to a patient. The reason I was talking about it is because his wife works as a nurse at Little Company in Torrance and his sister in law works at the same hospital as I do and he works as a florist so he knows what it's like to not be home for special holidays with kids. I said that I don't have any children. What I meant was that I don't have any children to play Santa for. I'm so sorry, my boy. I am not forgetting about you. I am thinking about you all the time. I won't lie again. I'll find a way to share you even in those moments.

To make up for it, I showed your picture to a couple people at work. They all said you're beautiful. Lucky for you, I know that.

Love you to infinity and beyond!!

Love,
Your Mommy.

One month!

Today was Matthew's one month angelversary. No, I do not believe that my son is an angel but it's easier to say then "birth and death." So we took a photo of him with his balloons, his plaster foot prints, and "mini-bear." We also took the onesie off Matthew-bear so that he isn't naked. In case you didn't know, the bear in this photo also is an urn. We picked it so that we could cuddle him and spend time reading to him, and so our future kids can hold him as well.

So happy one month angelversary, Matthew! We love you and miss you desperately.

Books!

I decided that I need help working through my grief. I'm interested in grief counseling but not the work to find one that understands perinatal loss and the cost for them is astronomical ($100+/session!) so I turned to what I always turn to, books!

I love self-help books and I love when they make me feel normal and give me a vision of what's on the other side of this dark. I've heard only good things about these books. 

The book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is one that is full of stories from parents who have been there. The book opens with this paragraph "The death of a baby is even more hidden because it violates our expectations. In addition, when we hear about the death of a baby, many of us do not recognize the depth of loss to the parents. The fact that the baby was in the womb or in the parents' arm for such a brief time adds to their pain and isolation." I have a feeling this book will speak directly to my heart. 

The book Grieving the Child I Never Knew is one that is full of biblical passages and a daily devotion and space to journal. Unfortunately, the copy I purchased has been written in and I have to reorder the book. But I look forward to journaling through my journey of grief.

The book Pregnancy After a Loss is one for future reading. You don't have to go through the same thing I have to understand that the idea of a pregnancy after so many violated pregnancies is one filled with terror. I don't know how to survive this again and again. To come so close and to have my body betray me, my husband, and our healthy son, is one that makes me wonder if I'm meant to be a mother to living babies or if I'm supposed to just accept my fate and be living-childless. 

I hope and pray that these books help me to find hope and happiness without guilt. Life is hard but life after the loss of a child is harder. I pray that someone who needs encouragement finds my blog. I hope that the tools and stories I share here, help someone through the loss of anyone special to them: friend, sibling, parent, child, pet, etc.